2) Do your job really well. It helps to create little acronyms you can mentally recite to make table servicing go smoothly. This will be a lifesaver when you’re assigned to take care of the owners’ table and the amount of pressure from your boss to perform well is orders of magnitude greater than the attention he gives to actual paying guests.

3) When you notice that some of your coworkers are working 5-6 hours per night and leaving with zero dollars, privately and respectfully make it known to your manager that this isn’t cool with you. Graciously apologize for the confusion when you’re assured that a minimum wage is indeed paid.

4) Casually chat with some of your coworkers and suss out that you were lied to when told a minimum wage is paid. Continue to do your job well to the point you have time to chat with guests, take photos for groups, and help with security. Also, make sure you talk to some of the really attractive chicks right in front of the assistant manager so he starts to plot against you.

5) When told that “we need to let you go”, argue the counter points of their rationale even though it’s obviously bullshit. At that point, say “I know you’ve already lied to me once, so I have no confidence that you’re telling me the truth now.” After an awkward blank stare and essentially being told “well, whatever, you’re still fired”, casually point out how someone more revenge-driven with even the smallest amount of business knowledge could call certain government agencies and probably have the club put out of business. At this point, you’ll be told “Get the fuck out of my office!” and be hastily escorted off the premises, and you will have achieved your goal of being fired from the nightclub.

Bonus step:

6) Get another job at a club like MIXX Ultra Lounge where you’ll have more responsibility, more pay, and be able to work with your friends. This will be especially good if it’s owned by decent and respectful gentlemen such as Julian Rodgers (“Jay Rodg”) and Debron (“DB”.) You’ll know this when during the interview, without prompting, they’ll assure you that everyone will get paid every night and they’re not obsessed with being the center of attention. This will be confirmed over the next month or two – especially by how they ALWAYS ask every employee if they made enough money that night, and will personally tip them out if it was a little slow (which rarely happens.)

I’ve tested these steps myself, and I personally guarantee that you’ll have the same success with them if followed correctly!

And I’d also like to share a video highlight from the recent political news coverage:

Only in America.

Well, not really. Their performance was less than stellar in this regard. After paying $45 and mailing my finger prints to them on April 17 of this year, I just now received confirmation that I am in fact not a criminal (at least in the US.) That’s good to know, but it would’ve been nice to know sooner than 4 months later. Oh, but I’m sure you’re thinking that they needed all that time to write up an official looking letter and actually sign something. Well, not really. All I got back from them was my original finger prints with little more than a stapled Post-It note attached saying “No Criminal Record.” The envelope is the most official looking thing of all, and I’ll be lucky if the NZ Immigration Service doesn’t laugh in my face when I take this to them. Now you’re probably thinking that they have a lot of other important things to deal with, and I’m just bitching for the hell of it. Well, not really. Their little note was actually dated May 22, 2007, so basically someone took care of it, forgot about it for two months, and then decided to mail it to me.

I would like to make one thing very clear though. I have every confidence that the US government is constantly looking for ways to increase the service level to its citizens. I’m sure their marketing guys are scanning the blogosphere right now, will read my post, and quickly brainstorm a number of ways to prevent this from happening again.